The Illegitimate Dynasty
by Citywriter84
Summary: Set after the end of Austin Powers: the Spy Who Shagged Me. Fat Bastard is brought to trial and Felicity and Austin meet his mother and Felicity reveals that she is pregnant with Fat Bastard's baby. What will she do and how will Austin and Fat Bastard react? Find out in this funny heartwarming tale of hope and family values that blossom even from the most adverse circumstances.
1. Chapter 1

**Fat Bastard's bastard**

After the end of Austin Powers II, Fat Bastard is on trial. Felicity and Austin are there to testify.

Since they arrived back on Earth at the dawn of the new century, Felicity had endeavoured to help Austin overcome his impotence caused by the loss of his Mojo. She suspected, with her usual astuteness, that the issue was largely psychosomatic. Austin had just begun to recover. After she incapacitated Fat Bastard, another time travelling Austin visited them and the three of them had shagged all last night, just as if Austin's mojo was recovering.

Now Fat Bastard was on trial and stood sullenly in the dock, surrounded by bars of reinforced titanium. How Fat Bastard could have followed them to 1999 remained a mystery.

"See that old scotchwoman Fliss?" asked Austin, pointing out an old stooped lady who was weeping in the crowd of onlookers. "I know – Basil told me - that Fat Bastard is her fat bastard. I's recognise the Glaswegian dialect and any poor imitation by a Canadian actor, baby."

"Austin, I'd rather you didn't use that offensive word," said Felicity, her pale cheeks flushing pink. "You see…" she shifted her feet and pushed her blond hair away from her face. Austin wondered what was wrong. She had seemed pale and clammy lately. "I've been throwing up in the mornings… this timeline is a mess, but I am sure of the time frame. It cannot be yours since we only did it for the first time last night. It's Fat Bastard's."

Austin was uncharacteristically at a loss for things to say. "Will you tell him?" he managed, no quip this time.

"I think he has a right to know, even though he does live up to his name…" said Fliss. "Although maybe… I'd better tell his mom instead."

She went up to Fat Bastard's mother. "Hello there ma'am," she said pleasantly. "I know we've never met, but I know your son intimately…" she paused. "I'm Felicity Shagwell, CIA." The old scotch woman looked up, her streaming eyes had a startled look.

"Can ae help ye lass?" she asked, her Glaswegian accent very strong.

"I'm pregnant. It's your son's. Your grandchild. I- I…" Fliss stuttered to a halt. She thought that since she couldn't bring herself to tell Fat Bastard, telling his mother was her moral obligation and yet she had not intended carry the spawn of such a repulsive caricature as Fat Bastard to term and raise it, even though it was her child as much as his.

The old scotch woman's eyes brightened. She threw her frail arms around Fliss and pressed her wrinkled face against her pregnant belly. "Oh me darlin' grandchild," she squeaked. "I nevae thought I'd see the day. All I ever wanted… All I needed now my son turned out to be such a basta'd. You wait lass, I'll be such a ma to you and a grandma…" She was crying in happiness. "Me son were such a disappointment. But everything's going to be a'right noo, my angel. With oor bairn inside ye." At that moment, Felicity's heart melted. She couldn't bring herself to dash the old woman's hopes and dreams. It was her baby too. She held the old woman close to her. "I haven't picked a name yet," she confided.

At that moment, Austin Powers came up to them. "Hello, what's this ruckus?" he asked frowning, his silly, ornate glasses giving him an owlish look.

"We were just pickin' oot names, laddie. For oor wee mite. Not born yet," said Fat Bastard's mother. She took Austin's hand in her old, gnarled one. "Ah'm Maisie. Pleased tae meet ye. Ah'm Fat Bastard's old ma, but please don't hold that against me."

"You're picking out names?" said Austin, frowning mightily.

"Yes Austin, it's decided," said Felicity firmly. Austin shook his head and stalked off, out of her life forever, without a second glance, in the direction of the sequel which would not contain either of the women. Felicity gasped. What did this say about Austin?

_**Author's note:**__ Well is Austin justified? Does Fat Bastard have the right to know he has fathered a foetus? Should Felicity have let Maisie guilt trip her into keeping it?_


	2. Chapter 2

**Seeds of Fate**

The trial was a short one - Fat Bastard was clearly guilty of assisting Dr Evil. It was necessary however to confine him to a rhinocerous pen, where Maisie and Fliss approached him.

"Helloo ye great midden," said Maisie.

"Same tae ye, ye auld grosit," retorted Fat Bastard.

Ah'm telling ye, ye've gone and made a bairn - this braw lass is expectin'" said Maisie, coming right to the point.

"Ah don' know what yer both want, but ah was going to make babies, not eat them anymore," said Fat Bastard. "Ah'll take over the warrld." Suddenly a glowing vortex appeared and increased to a huge size. Fliss and Maisie stepped back, blinking in astonishment, but Fat Bastard disappeared through it.

"Can you say, 'plot hole'?" said Fliss drily. "I think that is how Fat Bastard has been travelling in time."

"O' course it is," said Maisie. "Ah wonder what my great bawsack of a son is up to noo? No' good ah'm thinking."

"He said something about taking over the world?" Said Fliss. "Could it be about Dr Evil? I must go through the time tunnel and stop it. Austin doesn't love me and can't be relied on. I'll do it myself."

"Right wi' ye," said Maisie. "Ah used the same time tunnel before."

She slipped her gnarled old hand in Fliss' and they both strode through the time tunnel together. But time tunnels are somewhat counter intuitive. Although they entered the time tunnel a short while after Fat Bastard, they arrived months later than he did. Fat Bastard had gone back to 1969, just catching the end of that liberated period, the late 'sixties. He intended to take over the world in his own way, over the next thirty years, but Maisie and Fliss would arrive to stop him during the first stage of his endeavours.

The nature of Fat Bastard's scheme will become clear, but now I must tell you of events happening around London shortly after Fat Bastard's return. What Fat Bastard was doing was a secret, but there were those who now had an inkling. A new fertility clinic had opened and was offering treatment for very low prices. Now that the old traditions were overturned and sexual liberation had begun, many girls and women were choosing to become pregnant using artificial insemination, whether or not they were married. Now we will follow a new character named Becky,

Becky was an investigative journalist always on the lookout for anything odd. One fine afternoon, she was hosting afternoon tea and scones for her friends. Two of them, Lacey and Lottie, had become pregnant using the services of Maximum Fertility Clinic.

"You would be surprised at how little they charged me," said Lacey, her wide blue eyes glowing. She had already passed the sickly phase and now she looked quite radiant.

"I know, they charged me more," said Lottie. "But hubby and I could not conceive without help. My poor man is a diabetic you see," she said sadly. Lottie was middle aged, her brown hair now shot through with silver and she was thrilled to be accepted by the clinic at her age and even more thrilled to have become pregnant with donour sperm. But Lacey was only 18.

"I'm surprised the clinic agreed, at your age and everything dear," said Becky to Lacey. "You are so young - you had plenty of time to find the right man and have children with him."

"I've waited long enough to be a mother," said Lacey, shaking her head and then brushing her blond curls away from her face. "I really want this. There was no need to wait."

Becky was curious about what sort of fertility clinic would accept clients as young as Lacey or as old as Lottie and was puzzled about why they charged Lacey so little. Much seemed strange about the clinic. Her journalist instincts fired up and she decided to investigate.

The clinic's main building was an imposing concrete block that towered over the surrounding area. Entry was strictly for clients only. Becky met with Dr Katy Goldstein, the obstetrician, a younger surgeon with long red hair and a handsome aquiline face. Becky noticed that she was heavily pregnant. "Practice what you preach," said Katy.

"Quite right," said Becky, shaking her by the hand. "I would like to conceive by donour sperm right away."

Katy nodded. "Just slip your things off and step into the operating room. I'll be back shortly with a fresh semen sample."

Becky waited, stark naked in the gleaming, sterile, windowless room. If Katie was fetching a fresh sample then surely the donour would have to rub one off while she waited. It had been nearly half an hour... It was cold in here and the room seemed bare apart from the large mirror. She replaced her glasses and stared at her reflection. She had a round, pale face, with piercing blue eyes and a large forehead, framed with short brown hair. Her glasses magnified her eyes, making them look rather staring. She looked up at the ventilation shaft in the ceiling, but just then, Katie returned with a vial of fresh semen, white and sticky in a syringe, and she supervised Becky as she poured it into herself. Now Becky was a client, she would be able to investigate the clinic. If only she had known whose sperm she had inseminated herself with! Felicity and Maisie were on their way and in due course, would help with her investigation.


	3. Chapter 3

**The Hatchery**

Two weeks later it was confirmed that Becky was pregnant and she began throwing up in the mornings. Dr Goldstein agreed to give her regular check ups for free, which Becky knew to be unusually generous for a surgeon. Becky got to meet the other patients and found out that they had all been given fresh sperm, whether or not they had a man with them to donate. Hmmm... It was always like that. Katy would leave them in the operating room and then come back with a fresh sample all ready to put into the patient. The success rate seemed to be high as well, the women she spoke to were all pregnant from their first insemination with the fresh sperm, just as she herself was. She attended an exercise class about what sort of exercises could be done during pregnancy and was intrigued by the range of patients. There were married women, lesbians, single women and the clients were of all ages and backgrounds. Literally patients of all ages visited the complex. One day, a girl with long, dark-blond hair who looked suspiciously young to Becky, passed her in the corridor and Becky introduced herself.

"I'm Lucy," said the girl, grinning cheerily. "I thought there might be some problem about ID or something, like there is when getting a drink..." here she leaned close and whispered in Becky's ear; "I'm fifteen." She shook her head and wrinkled her freckled nose. "I know you are going to say I'm too young to be a mum, but I want a gorgeous baby." There was a dreamy look in her green eyes for a moment as she patted her belly which was already starting to swell.

Becky carefully stopped herself from delivering a lecture. Obviously fifteen was too young to be a mother. Lucy was a very pretty girl, her blond hair sleek and luxuriant, her wistful mouth perfectly formed with full lips, a cute nose and engaging smile. And her looks were only going to blossom as she got older. She did not need the responsibilities of being an underage mother, she would have been able to find any number of the best men only too glad to be her husband had she waited until adulthood to pursue motherhood. Becky kept quiet about this. Instead she voiced a question that had been playing on her mind - "does anyone know where the sperm actually come from?"

At that moment there was a flash and a vortex appeared in the hallway. Becky and Lucy took a step backwards. Two figures stepped out of it. One was a lady of about 29 in a tight blue leotard and the other a very old lady with leathery skin. The younger lady had long blond hair and blue eyes and looked very beautiful - although... Becky frowned. Was there something wrong with her face? Well? Is there? Perhaps Hollywood would want to market her as a sex goddess nonetheless.

"This is weird!" said Lucy.

"Alright, where are we Fliss?" asked the old lady in a heavy Glaswegian accent.

"No idea Maisie," said the young woman and Becky recognised an American accent.

"You are in Maximum Fertility Clinic," said Becky, deciding to just roll with this turn over events. It could be a big scoop. "There is something odd going on here. Underage girls are being given fertility treatment and the sperm is always fresh. Now tell me where you both sprang from."

"Yer bum's oot the windae," said the old scotchwoman cheerily, "but we're from thae future, me an' me braw lass here."

"Wait..." said Fliss slowly, "Maisie, you can follow Fat Bastard to wherever he is, whenever... so what if he is here? In this fertility clinic. For all we know, he could be the donor."

"Ah dinnae ken," said Maisie. "But ah wid have mair bairns? Good. I need tae show I learn from me mistakes. Ah could be a good mither to them."

"There is a repulsive caricature called "Fat Bastard" who has strange powers, including the unexplained ability to travel through time," said Fliss. "Although he weighs one metric ton, he is capable of military service and of impregnating women. Me for one," she added, patting her belly. "He works for the pantomime villain, Dr Evil, but is obviously more dangerous. He must be stopped."

"Aye, we'll get the big scunner if we find him," said Maisie. "Come, ah'll lead, ye will follow."

"This is Fat Bastard's mom, but she's good," Fliss reassured them. They all followed Maisie down the corridor. Becky had switched on the small tape recorder she had concealed about her person for trips to the clinic. She intended to interview both these time travellers.

Lucy traipsed after them. "After all, I like an adventure," she said.

"I did not kick Fat Bastard in the balls hard enough, if he is impregnating all of you here," said Fliss.

Becky wasn't sure she liked the sound of this. If it were true, what would her baby be like? They passed through several locked doors and went down several flights of stairs, following Maisie as she honed in on Fat Bastard for the final confrontation.


End file.
